Marriage as a Long Conversation

A short piece on long term love

“Marriage as a long conversation—when entering into marriage one ought to ask oneself: do you believe you are going to enjoy talking with this woman up into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory, but most of the time you are together will be devoted to conversation.”

Nietzsche

I saw this quote when I opened up the ‘gram this morning and I felt its resonance.

I had a flash of a moment when I was falling in love with my now husband.

We sat and talked for hours in the dark.

It was summer and we were outside just sitting on the ground.

This is one of those moments I will never forget.

A flash of deep connection and true love.

It felt like I had finally found someone who was asking the same questions of life I was asking. Someone I could (and would) talk to for the rest of my life.

This propensity for quality conversation has continued for us.

We’ve known each other since we were teenagers and through all our messy breakups and periods where we were ‘just friends’, we’ve always had conversations.

We have had the best conversations.

We can go deep.

We can go wide.

Sometimes we stay up top and light and silly.

He talks in movie quotes and I throw my head back and laugh.

We banter back and forth with our plethora of inside jokes.

Other times we plunge into the depths of existence and end up in the land of Kairos, where time ceases to exist.

We talk about logistics.

We talk about our dreams.

We talk about how we feel.

We talk about our internal worlds.

We talk about our hopes and fears.

We talk about politics. (a place we don’t always agree)

And, we are also totally ok together in the sometimes long silent pauses between thoughts and conversations.

When it feels like we are having more conversations in our own heads than with each other, it is a telltale sign we need to come together and put some attention on and tend to our relationship.

Having a easeful flow of conversation is something that creates intimacy.

As one of my mentors says: “In-to-me-see.”

How can we see into a person without using our words to tell them how we’re doing?

There is a caveat here; most of the time Sean and I do not ‘process’ together.

“Processing” is very popular these days.

“I need to process my feelings with you!” is making someone listen to all the ways you’re upset or feeling victimized while they hold space. It’s not a two way street. It’s very one way. It’s charged with emotion and victimization.

I don’t believe it’s something that is productive in a romantic relationship.

And we do have to process sometimes. Women, especially, may need to process through talking it out.

Processing is not connective though. It’s actually about the person doing the processing.

I, personally, don’t consider it a conversation.

Processing is best done in a journal, with a therapist, or with friends or close family members, who are available and have capacity (check with them first) to hold space while you ‘process’ emotions, experiences, and thoughts.

Processing allows us to work through the layers of an experience and, ultimately, get to the heart of it.

The heart of it is what you may bring to your partner. Not the superficial stuff on top.

We have to remember that our primary relationship cannot and should not be where we get all our relational needs met, for women or for men.

Men need friends and support systems outside of their partners. They need communities of other men and team members to meet their needs of processing and conversations. Same for women.

AND, in a long term relationship, we will always make mistakes with each other and show our worst sides to our partners.

We’re going to f*** up royally with our partner.

We’re going to hurt our long term partners more than anyone else, simply by the nature of our closeness and flawed human nature.

It’s not about doing it right, but about maintaining connection when we do it wrong.