Today, on Mother’s Day, I have been thinking about our relationship to mother.
As I wrote the cards I sent to my mother and my mother in law I was struck by the continuum of mothers that allowed me to become a mother.
If either of those two women had not become mothers I could not be the mother I am today. And if their mothers before them had not become mothers… and on back.
There is a trend in the collective of mother-blaming.
There is a trend of looking at the way we were mothered and holding it to current standards and calling it toxic.
Or focusing on the way our mothers wronged us, hurt us, and did it wrong.
This is not a post to say we weren’t hurt by our mothers. It’s not a post to say they did it all right. It’s definitely not a post to say we should lower our standards for motherhood.
You may fully deserve to be victimized by the way you were mothered.
You may legitimately and fully be a victim of your mother’s pain. You can feel that. You are allowed to.
When one person is unwilling to feel their pain they will put it on the people around them.
Sometimes the people that are most vulnerable are the easiest targets. And that is an awful truth of humanity in unfelt pain.
But, when we are fully grown adult women, it’s time to stop asking “why did my mother do this to me!?”
And start acknowledging, “Wow. My mother was in a lot of pain.”
It’s not even necessarily about forgiveness (although remember, forgiveness isn’t for the other person, it’s for YOU), it’s about realizing that people, even our own mothers, are multifaceted beings.
They could have a part of them that deeply loved us, but another part that was deeply wounded and acted out that wounding out on us.
It may be we were just innocent bystanders of their wounding.
Acknowledging this doesn’t make it ok that we were hurt. It just takes out the blame.
Holding a grudge towards our mothers, I believe, results in holding a grudge against The Mother.
The Mother can hold it.
However, holding this grudge will result in our mommy wounds being played out with other people in our lives.
If you find yourself constantly looking for approval and validation from, or you’re constantly in conflict with, women you perceive as more powerful than you, you may have some mother wounds. It’s ok. It’s just good to see.
The reason our mothers were/are in pain is because of a lack of what I’ll call the mother nutrient or feminine nourishment.
The same reason we feel pain and hurt in this place because we were/are missing that too.
See how the solution is not pointing fingers? It’s not making them see their mistakes. It’s not holding on to all the ways we were hurt as if holding on to it will save our life.
I believe the solution is to find joy in mothering. To allow ourselves to be in-joy as we mother.
This may sound simple, and it is, but it is not always easy.
What I DO want to invite with this post is an appreciation for all that was overcome for us to exist as we are, the mothering we received and the mothering our mothers received.
Everyone has dealt with some pain. Everyone alive has prevailed over something awful in their life time.
For those of us who are also mothers ourselves I want to point to the joy of our own motherhood that we would not be able to experience without the life of our mothers and grandmothers before us.
You exist because they exist. This is the level of respect and honoring for all mothers that this day invites us in to.
Humanity is messy. It is complicated. Nuanced. Hard AF.
I have the experience that the harder I am on the world, the more I judge and find wrong in it, the harder I am on myself. The more I judge my own choices. And the more I judge myself.
There is so much joy available in motherhood if we move away from this harshness.
There is so much beauty in feeling these soft warm small bodies on ours. The little voices figuring out how to communicate and be heard.
Can we let that open us a little wider today?
And if you don’t have children, can you let your little one feel your joy at being the one that gets to hold her now?
Can we let the tasks list, the exhaustion, the ideas of should, the ways we are doing it all wrong, go today and drop in with our children/inner children and feel the pure joy that lives there.
Our creations! The creation of mothers back and back until the beginning of time!
It is awe-worthy. It is worth celebrating.
Thank you to the Mothers.
Thank you to The Mother.
Thank you to my mother.
Thank you to my husband’s mother.
Thank you to all the mothers that hold me and mother me while I mother (because we NEED that so much).
Thank you to my grandmothers and my great grandmothers and on back.
May we all find our joy in mothering today. And if not, may we start to get clear on the changes we need to make in our lives so that our joy can shine through.
Because a mother’s joy will heal all wounds.
Happy Mother’s Day to all.
I would love to her from you in the comments or by replying.
What is your relationship to mother?
What brings you joy in motherhood?
“But, when we are fully grown adult women, it’s time to stop asking ‘why did my mother do this to me!?’ And start acknowledging, ‘Wow. My mother was in a lot of pain.’”
Wow. Yes — this has been so key in my own healing. Thank you for this piece. ♥️