Responsibility is a word that typically can send people in one of two directions:
Victimization/Resentment: Responsibility takes something from me. I resent how much I have to hold. I feel bitter about the amount of responsibilities I have.
Self-Punishment/Martyrdom - I need/should/have to do this. I need/should/have to be responsible here. Even though a part of me doesn’t want to, I have to sacrifice and abandon that part because this is the “responsible” thing to.
When we relate to responsibility from an immature/naive place we tend to oscillate between these two camps.
Personally, I notice I like to start with self punishment in the name of “responsibility” and then eventually swing into victimization and resentment.
Motherhood is the perfect place to play out these two reactions to responsibility.
It’s so easy to tell ourselves, as mothers or adults, that we have so much we need to do, are responsible for. We can’t pay attention to our own well being when we are so needed by others.
There are very real and necessary responsibilities that come with parenthood, and it can be so easy to martyr ourselves there.
But we must come to see that it’s because we martyr ourselves so readily that we get so resentful, uptight and rage-y.
This is also, on one level, completely and totally understandable. Mom rage is a thing. It is a symptom of so many things that are wrong with our society.
I can easily swing into a rage when I think about how little mothers are appreciated for the way we hold together the fucking fabric of the future of humanity.
You know, no big deal or anything.
We are simply raising the next generation of humans, keeping everyone fed, clothed, healthy, and safe, while also running businesses, holding down jobs and careers, being attentive and loving partners, and more.
The responsibilities here are massive.
They just are.
If you’re a mother, you do have a responsibility to raise your children to the best of your ability. You do have the responsibility to feed, clothe, keep your kids safe, etc.
No matter how you relate to these responsibilities; they exist.
One of the main things becoming a mother has taught me about growing up and being an adult is that responsibilities are a reality.
Yes; you need do nothing. In the sense that you could always just lay in bed all day if you really chose to. No one is holding a gun to your head and telling you to get up and brush your teeth and even if they were, you could choose to be shot instead of do the things. You could. You don’t have to any of it. You do have free will here.
Every single thing you do in a day is a choice you’re making on one level. And getting in alignment with this fact is step one to relating to responsibility more soberly.
If you’d like to be a mature adult Woman, you have accept that you have responsibilities and that you are always making choices.
And some of those responsibilities you won’t enjoy or want to do, but you still have to do them.
The key is, instead of spinning off into victimization or winding yourself up with self punishment, can you let your responsibilities be neutral?
Can you accept where you are and the choices you’ve made up to this point?
This is the only way to get to a place where you actually find joy in the mundanity of everyday life. You don’t find joy by telling yourself you’ll find joy and forcing yourself to do things that don’t feel true. That will leave you shriveled, rigid and cold.
You don’t find joy by repeating affirmations of joy or by doing mental gymnastics to explain away all the ways you feel resentful and victimized by your life.
In simpler terms, you don’t find joy through your mind. You find it through your beingness and if an element of your beingness is not on board with something, the first step is to accept that too. It’s not to pretend it doesn’t exist or shove it in locked room in your psyche where it will fester and become toxic.
You practice accepting all the parts of you. Radical self acceptance.
As you relate to responsibility in this way you will find you have far more energy because you’re not wasting it fighting the inevitable or punishing yourself for the ways you don’t align with your life.
This isn’t a call to check out or go on autopilot through your days either, that’s a form of self punishment because it requires you to leave your body (abandon yourself).
This is an invitation to see where you make responsibilities your God.
When you stop feeling like your responsibilities have power over you and also stop fighting them, you will have found the life-giving middle way of mature relating to your life.
This is a supple, dynamic place where you can simply meet what’s true in the moment without victimization or any form of self depreciation.
You wash the dishes because the dishes need washing. Not because your husband is a slob and your kids don’t respect you and you have do everything.
You cook a wholesome dinner most nights because it’s true to nourish your family. Not because you need to control every little piece of food that goes into your kids’ mouthes and make sure it’s organic and healthy or else you’re a terrible mother.
AND
Maybe sometimes you don’t fold laundry because it honestly doesn’t matter more than snuggling your kids on the couch after dinner.
Maybe you give up that project you were volunteering on or you say no to another sport for your kids because you actually don’t want to drive around anymore after work and that’s more important than looking like a ‘good’ person or a ‘good’ mom.
When you relate to responsibility in this neutral way you create space to meet each adult task from a center point of Truth, not obligation or defiance.
This is wisdom. This is maturity. The ability to hold nuance, subtlety, and paradox. The ability to adjust your stance depending on the circumstances.
When we can leave the charge behind and find the neutral still point we can find legitimate joy and connection in our responsibilities.
Responsibility is simply the ability to respond.
More and more as I practice relating to my responsibilities in this this neutral way my tasks, jobs and duties feel pulsing and alive.
The more I truly cultivate the ability to respond soberly, maturely and with a lot of love the more turned on I am by my every day life.
I literally feel my pussy and heart fill with juice because of my every day life.
This is living as a mature adult Woman. To be in your body and pulsing with life force because you are here, doing exactly that which you are made for, living.
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Mature Feminine Responsibility Just Is