This piece has been percolating for a long while.
This is an invitation into a new or deeper experience of what I am calling; Divine Union, or the aligned relationship between the Feminine and Masculine energies within us and outside of us.
As I repeat again and again, I am in service to The Mother, the mature feminine frequency that lives within our physiology. I have also called this energy ‘the collective nurturer’, because the mother is the source of all nourishment.
Something that has become clear more recently is that because I am in service to The Mother, I am also in service to the Family, or, in other words, the legacy of humanity.
When we think about the family we are not only talking about The Mother, but also The Father and the legacy that is begotten from the two coming together, the child/ren and the family as it’s own creational force.
When you start to study things like masculine and feminine energy, you can go down all sorts of rabbit holes. There are infinite teachings about these two energies, because they are ultimately what our world (and maybe everything in existence?) is made up of. They are are the balanced (ideally) and opposing forces. The yin and yang.
The two aspects I’m going to use as a way to demonstrate my translation of the integral relationship of Masculine and Feminine forces are modern relationship polarity teachings and feminism.
I have written a lot about these two aspects before so you can check the archives of the Matriarch substack and find all sorts of articles on the Feminine, Masculine and co-creation. The two articles that feel the most applicable to this piece are The Mature Feminine the World Needs and Mature Feminine Responsibility Just Is.
Polarity
On the most basic level, the word polarity means the separation, alignment, or orientation of something in two opposing poles. That is a very mental way of saying; duality. Duality exists. In the reality that we live in on earth, duality exists. There are all sorts of spiritual teachings suggesting there is no duality and that we are all one.
This is a big YES AND, we also live in a world of opposites.
We see this in the charged particles of atoms and we see this in night and day; the micro and the macro.
Relationship polarity teachings suggest that a “polarized” relationship is preferable to an unpolarized relationship because it creates an enlivening, sexual tension within the relationship.
Polarity teachers and coaches suggest that the more the poles, Feminine and Masculine, are embodied and enacted (very important word choice here I’ll come back to later) the more aliveness and spark there will be in a relationship.
This basic concept, I don’t really disagree with. It seems to be as factual as the basic definition of polarity. We select partners that generally create some sort of tension in us and have some unique magnetism that pulls us in. It could be their appearance but I would argue it’s really more their energy, something about what embody pulls us towards them.
However, polarity teachings lose me when they suggest that we should role play the epitome of Feminine and Masculine characters so that we can somehow create polarization in our relationship.
My very clear embodied knowing is that when I pretend to be something that I am not; it is never good for me or, ultimately, my relationships.
If you have to pretend to be something you are not to be friends with someone, are they really your friend?
If you have to pretend to be the perfection of feminine softness and receptivity to turn your husband on, are you really connected?
I do believe that we can have fun and alchemize a lot of frustration and disagreement through role playing with our partners. Sexual role playing can obviously be very hot. There is something super sexy about inhabiting that demure feminine and being ravaged by your masculine man in his beast. I’m not in denial or delusion about any of this.
However, if these types of interactions with your chosen partner aren’t done with a lot of intention and a set container, then it’s just fantasy and boundaries get foggy.
It starts to get dangerous when we’re not sure where the role playing stops and the reality begins. And this is what I have heard from women who have gone deep into polarity teachings as a lifestyle; that they started to lose themselves and disown parts of themselves that weren’t part of the polarized Feminine menu. [This is a good post by Madelyn Moon on her experience.
Teachers espousing that we should live our entire lives within the confines of some polarized definition of feminine and masculine as women and men are not in any way shape or form leaving room for the subtle and intricate dance of these two energies within ourselves and the way we express each aspect uniquely.
I’ve noticed that zero of these polarity teachers have children, because you simply cannot maintain these rigid poles and fantasy in a relationship when you have to keep baby alive too.
Polarity is true. It just is. There is a lot to learn about yourself as you play with these aspects in yourself. Your partner and you have it, or else you wouldn’t have been drawn together. It can be fun to embody in an intentional way, but when it comes to Divine Union, creation, family, and legacy, polarity just is not a huge part of it.
Feminism
In a world where feminism is basically just the masculinization of women (wrote more about this here) polarity teachings can feel like a relief to women who have been trying so hard to basically do everything men do.
Paradoxically, feminism also has this kind of “girl power,” vibe that feels deeply off and immature.
In the world of feminism women can do it all! They can have a career. They can have drink, smoke, and fuck just like the men do. And then when they turn 30, they feel their biological clock ticking, they can also have a baby, while they still do all those other things.
And fuck their lazy, silly, stupid man-child husbands who are good for nothing but drinking beer and, at best, playing with the kids on the weekends.
Of course I believe women should have the freedom to work and own businesses and property (and I’m very grateful to those women that fought for me to have those freedoms), but saying women can do everything men can do is not actually revering the Feminine.
The man hating I see in the feminist spaces stems from this over masculinized woman. She’s bitter. When women aren’t allowed to be fully expressed versions of themselves, then men aren’t either, and both sides of the whole, suffer.
Women’s bodies are made differently. We are on a 28 cycle vs the simple 24 hour cycle of men, so working the same way everyday doesn’t really work for our physiology, just as an example.
Our bodies (until menopause) are always prioritizing the ability to build a baby on a biological level. We need more sleep than men. We need food on a more consistent basis than men. Why do you think things like thyroid issues and autoimmune disorders so disproportionally affect women?
Revering the Feminine would be valuing the Feminine, not just more valuation of the masculine through women, which is making women sicker, victimized and more burned out than they ever have been.
This is why so many women are attracted to this polarity idea of “just let me be in my feminine and the man can tell me where to go for dinner so I don’t have to!” It feels like a relief to a body that is tired of trying to be something it is not. And it’s a radical thing to attempt to be completely devoted to a man when you’ve seethed about his ineptitude. It’s a pendulum swing over to the other side.
In both of these examples there is a compartmentalization happening. In the polarity examples there is an idea that women should only be a certain kind extreme feminine; soft, demure, gentle, open, devotional. In the feminism example, it’s women being over masculinized and denouncing their softness, openness, and devotional nature.
The Mature Feminine Loves the Masculine
As I have found with most truth, I find it in the gray, in the subtitles and in the twists and turns. I find it in the paradox.
Feminism is not true and these polarity relationship teachings are not true.
The Truth is the mature Feminine loves the Masculine. She loves Him because the desecration of Him would be the desecration of Her, because they are two parts of the same whole. Which I will call the Third Thing.
The integral relationship between the exalted, mature Feminine and the exalted, mature Masculine is that they understand they are creating something together. The two parts come together and create something that is more than them individually: the Creation, the Child/ren, the Family.
Polarity teachings say the masculine must always lead and feminism eg ‘the future is female’ concept says the feminine leads.
The Truth is, the Third Thing must lead. God must lead. Creation must lead. Union must lead.
The Feminine has more access to raw creational life force. She feeds life force to whatever she backs. Therefore, she must also have discernment. She must also be able to say, “No.”
I am reminded here of the hormones estrogen and progesterone. The old idea was that estrogen was the feminine hormone. However, estrogen is the hormone of growth and proliferation. We need it. It is important. However, when we have too much of it or it is unchecked, it will tell cells to grow and grow and grow.
Endometriosis is connected to too much estrogen in the system and results in the overgrowth of the uterine lining. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) characterized by cysts on the ovaries is also due to too much estrogen in the system. Same with fibroids. Too much estrogen equals too much unchecked and undirected growth.
Progesterone is actually the solution to this because it tells the cells where to grow, how to differentiate, and when to stop. This is discernment. Progesterone is actually far more important for feminine fertility in a lot of ways than estrogen in our modern world. Just as discernment is actually the quality our world needs so badly.
In a world where it is unclear what is real, where we have AI writing poetry and books, and there are discussions of growing human embryos in artificial wombs, we need the power of discernment more than ever.
One of the most valuable qualities a person could have is to be able to determine what is True and what is not True; eg discernment.
I’ve been working in the field of women’s fertility for over a decade and I have seen, on a hormonal level, progesterone being the biggest player in women’s fertility. I have also seen again and again, that as women improve their progesterone to estrogen balance, their discernment increases.
Pregnancy is the state of our bodies where we have the highest levels of progesterone. You have either felt yourself or seen for yourself how much more a woman Knows when she is pregnant. She knows what she likes to eat. She knows who she wants to be around. She knows when she’s tired.
I believe, progesterone is actually the Feminine hormone. The more progesterone you have, the less estrogen. They are in a direct inverse relationship with each other. It’s actually a big piece of the puzzle when it comes to how much estrogen dominance symptoms (ovarian and breast cancers, PCOS, endo, hot flashes, difficult menopause, etc) we see in the collective. Generally, if you increase progesterone naturally you will see women having less symptoms.
The idea that estrogen is the feminine hormone is about as off as the idea that the feminine should only be soft spoken, demure, and open. The Feminine is both sides; soft, open and powerful and chaotic. She is both devotional and quick to slay that which is not true. She is discerning. She knows how to say No.
These are aspects of the Feminine that need to be exalted in the collective. In fact, I would argue, just as most women need more progesterone these days because of our wildly estrogenic culture, most women need to invite in more Feminine discernment. Not man-hating, girl power rhetoric, but discernment, eg “This is enough.” “It’s time to rest now.” “It’s time to stop this.” “I am a No here and a Yes there.” Not closed or tight, but open and fully extended.
The Mature Feminine is not just devotional and open to anyone. She understands that her devotion is power itself. This is not a “soft feminine” quality. This is a Kali, sword, cut your head off, Feminine quality, and with great power comes great responsibility. She is responsible for her power and opening.
The Mature Feminine understands that her opening is sacred and loves the Masculine deeply. She wishes to create with Him. She calls him forward into His best and highest self through her openness, devotion, AND her clarity, her discernment and ability to say No. She doesn’t hold back any part of herself and the Mature Masculine isn’t afraid of any part of Her.
The Mature Masculine serves her opening because He knows that She feeds him. They become a regenerative cycle this way. They come into alignment and integrity with the The Third thing this way, and then Creation in alignment with Life moves through them.
The Mature Feminine loves the Masculine enough to tell him the Truth. Not “her truth”, no, this is most likely egoic, but The Truth. She is willing to say what she feels, what she sees, and what she Knows.
This requires that she cultivate a trust of her knowing within herself, first. This requires that she trust the Mature Feminine within herself, first. This requires that she have a deep faith in herself and Life, because her man may not be able to hold the truth yet, but she must say it anyway, fully open and fully extended.
This is where the Mature Masculine must be willing to have his ego shattered. He must be willing to drop down below his mind and into his heart and body. He must be willing to feel instead of think, similar to Her. He must be willing to serve, similar to Her.
This is where they meet, in service, and create the Third Thing. Bowing down to each other and God.
This is not an easy path for a human man and a human woman to walk. We all have wounding. We all have hurt parts and places where we can’t see ourselves clearly. We all have patterns and flaws. We all have needy and selfish parts. We all need to fall apart sometimes. We will hurt the ones we love most and they will hurt us.
We are all scared of obliteration.
But when I see these deeper Truths and I embody my powers of discernment, No AND openness and devotion, while at the same time seeing the places I am an imperfect human, I can see my partner with a wider lens too. I can see all the ways He serves my opening, holds me, and is completely and totally different than me. And I can see his humanity and all the ways he isn’t perfect, and I can love him nonetheless, just as he loves me.
The Mature Feminine and Mature Masculine love each other enough to bow down to each other’s humanity, give each other grace, AND consistently be willing to call forth the highest version of the other.
David Whyte defines maturity as the ability to hold to two opposing poles at once. That is exactly why I chose the word mature. Because when these two energies mature, they can start to invite a little of the other within themselves. They can start to hold both; which is ultimately, Divine Union. (think the yin yang with a little dot of the other in each side).
Divine Union is the is-ness that surround us. As we let go of the compartmentalizations of ourselves and the ideas that we have to be a certain way, and allow ourselves to be fully seen, felt and loved, as we are, creation itself aligns with us.
We can see the wholeness within ourselves and outside of ourselves reflected in our relationships, in the world, and in the cosmos.
This is the ultimate healing. The integration of two halves into a whole.
The Mature Feminine Loves The Masculine