You Can Only Go as Fast as the Slowest Part of You

I thought I was built for speed.

I thought I was quick, smart, and good at everything that mattered.

My mind sharp.

My capability unrivaled.

My capacity huge.

I thought I needed to keep moving, keep doing, keep going, always.

Eyes on the furthest horizon.

This mindset and blind confidence will get you far in this world and you will be praised.

Marry this speediness and socially adept intelligence and you’ve got yourself a real winner.

I thought I was a winner.

Only, eventually, the race got boring and I got tired.

Eventually, a life run by ego will burn you up in one way or another.

And, in this lifetime for me at least, I am due for some repayment of karmic debut and True service is what is being asked of me.

It’s been a slow unwinding.

Letting the pieces of the facade of fastness fall when and only if they are truly ready to.

Because, the hardest part when you have a pattern of speeding through your life from one milestone to the next, is that you can’t speed through the unraveling of the pattern or else that would just be more of the pattern.

You have the let it fall off in whatever amount of time it takes.

The most recent layer sloughing it’s way off of my persona has come from a deeper embodied understanding of the phrase my teacher Perri Chase uses in many of her transmissions, “you can only go as fast as the slowest part of you.”

See, I did move fast, but the speed didn’t come from my body, it came from my mind.

I did move fast, but at the expense of the slower, younger, scared, hesitant, unsure and resistant parts of me.

My strong, confident parts were dragging my little, fearful parts along.

My headstrong, sassy inner teenager who thinks she has the big bad world figured out was dragging my wounded little girl along on her ride.

You can only drag something for so long before you get tired.

So tired.

I’ve realized that my inner teen has been the one parenting my little ones for a long while.

And teenagers are not good parents.

She’s basically like, “Sit down, shut up and get dragged along! No whining little twerps!”

So this last year, my wise adult self has been listening to these sacred, tired and slow parts.

I’ve been carefully watching, listening to, and caring for the parts of me that had been dragged along, stuffed down, dismissed and left alone.

I have been brought to a complete halt this last year.

My capability has been bare minimum.

My capacity very, very little beyond caring for myself and my family. I’m not saying caring for a family is a little thing, just that my capacity for anything beyond my household duties from a truly integrated place has been zero.

My word for 2022 was HOLD.

And that’s what I’ve been doing.

Holding myself, my Woman, as well as holding all of my little ones.

Holding my family.

Holding my frequency in the world and bringing my life into resonance with it through feeling my yes and my no and moving from that simple truth.

And what I’ve really integrated here is that nothing truly, really, sustainably moves or changes unless all parts are a yes.

Every single part of you needs to have a seat at the table and needs to be relatively on board with the way the ship is moving or else it’s not a true, fulfilling creation.

Sure, you can GO!

You can DO!

You can make a lot of shiny, pretty, dazzling things happen.

You can even make a ton of money and have a material life that 99% of the world might wish they had.

But, you won’t be happy.

You won’t be content.

You won’t be fulfilled.

You won’t feel whole.

And chances are you’ll end up feeling really burnt out at some point.

Because you made those things happen at the expense of other parts of yourself.

You punished, coerced, manipulated, strong armed and dismissed yourself to get the external goal.

And, at the end of day, self abandonment is the most painful thing.

We’re not afraid of other people leaving us.

We’re not afraid of not getting what we want.

We’re not afraid of looking stupid, silly, ugly, pitiful, etc, we’re afraid of what we’ll do to ourselves after those things happen.

We’re afraid of how much we’ll abandon ourselves.

When our inner teenagers, punishers, success chasers, external validation seekers, are dragging along our fearful, slow, resistant parts there is no wisdom leading, there is no unconditional love.

Self holding is the answer to all of it.

We mother ourselves into true transformation.

We love ourselves into who we are meant to become.