I’ve been in a little bit of a portal as far as haters coming at me online. This comes with the territory. When you put your work online in this day and age you are bound to get trolls, hateful commenters, and jealous people coming into your inbox trying to shut you down.
I’m very well prepared for these types of commenters because I’ve been doing this work online for almost a decade now. And actually, when I have an experience like this, where I have multiple people coming at me in a short amount of time, I know my work is reaching a new audience and level, and that, ultimately is expansion. I’m grateful for that.
With all types of expansion there are always tests and gauntlets to traverse. My work is not about me, so ultimately my work is always to see beyond the personal attacks and into the bigger picture.
I’ve had three significant experiences in the last three weeks of women attacking my, for lack of a better term, being-ness. One suggested that because I was an “obese woman” I shouldn’t be giving health advice. I wrote about this one here.
The second was a woman in my community accusing me of copying her writing. I wrote about that one here and here.
The third just happened yesterday and it was along the lines of the first, eg you’re too fat and therefore you’re wrong, except this one came directly at me and was much more aggressive.
There was a certain flavor to this woman’s comments that I want to teach about more closely.
I’m not going to repeat what I wrote out in my “The Fat Nutritionist” piece, so that may be a good place to start if you do want to hear me address the “you’re overweight so you can’t give health advice” accusation.
The line I want to bring attention to from this most recent woman’s messages is: “If you are actually comfortable with your size and your husband actually goes along with it..”
After continuing to make comments about my weight, my teachings around “full women” (which has zero to do with the size of a woman’s body and everything to do with how a woman feels in her body and what she can give to her life), and my lack of credentials, she brought up my husband again, when she said, “Your husband is either a saint or a fool!” to deal with a fat woman.
This is the piece I would like to teach about today.
The collective mainstream consciousness and programming tells us, women, to believe that the only way they can be sexy is to have a certain, almost unattainable and idealistic, body type.
The collective mainstream consciousness tells us, women, to believe that the physical appearance of our body is our main value; that our physical attractiveness to men is the main way we wield any power at all in the world.
The collective mainstream consciousness tells us, women, to believe too much outright sexual attractiveness is slutty and too little is powerless and insignificant.
The collective mainstream consciousness tells us, women, to believe the external orientation of our worth is the only way we can know what our value is.
The collective mainstream consciousness tells us, women, to believe that “femininity” is determined by how small our body is and how big and wide our eyes are.
The collective mainstream consciousness tell us, women, to believe that we cannot trust our bodies, our fullness, our internal guidance, our hunger, our desire for physical touch, our desire for commitment, and our desire for sex.
The collective mainstream consciousness tell us, women, to believe that we need to workout, diet, control ourselves, and that femininity is being submissive and ‘lady like.’ It tells us to keep our dirty, messy, bleeding selves and our too much feelings out of the world at large lest we upset someone.
The collective mainstream consciousness tells us, women, to control ourselves and our feelings and our desires. It tells us to sit down, shut up, look pretty, and work really hard to contain all that actually wants to come through us.
I could go on and on here. But each and every one of these beliefs is straight up misogyny; eg hatred of the feminine. If you still hold any of these beliefs and you believe you are a woman who has a right relationship to the feminine, think again.
This, does not, in any way, shape or form, mean you need to be overweight. In fact, I am not a “fat positive” proponent. Taking the shame out of fatness, hell yes, I’m all for it. But, your weight is not a good indicator of health. Period.
Pay attention to the real markers of health (listed here) and gently, intimately, reverently, lovingly, and soberly, start taking the steps that feel good for you to start to address those real markers of health. Your weight will regulate over time. Weight can simply not be the main focus. It’s not not a helpful way to look at anyone’s body.
If you haven’t noticed, I am, quite literally, with my very being-ness, a stand for a completely different kind of femininity in the world.
I actually think it’s a huge part of why my higher self gave me the experience of gaining all this weight (which I did not do on purpose, see “the fat nutritionist” for more on my personal health journey) in the last couple years, because I’m not sure I could have fully let go of the collective programming without the experience of having a body that so starkly stands outsides the collective idea of attractiveness.
I have had both life experiences: I had a body that fit very nicely into society’s standards for attractiveness and now I have a body that does not.
Changing body type over the last few years has brought me on a journey into facing all of those collective beliefs around worthiness I was holding and asking, is that True?
Do I want to believe and enact these beauty standards on myself?
Do I actually want to believe that I am not sexy if I have a big belly or am a size 22?
Do I want to fall into the trap of the collective idea of controlled femininity being the only femininity that’s acceptable and continue to feel ashamed of my body? The body that holds me, carries me, and is my only home?
Do I want to believe that my body’s proximity to the mainstream ideal of sexual attractiveness determines my worth and value?
Do I want to sacrifice my innate Knowing of the perfection of my journey in favor of external validation?
Do I want to believe that my husband can’t love me as much as a fat woman as he did when I was a hot woman?
Do I want to believe that the external world, with all of its obvious sickness, imbalance, and toxicity is right about me and I’m wrong?
My answer to each of these questions is a resounding NO.
Worthiness is not given, it is claimed. It is sourced internally. No one is coming to validate you. That is your inner adult’s job.
It seems ridiculous to have to say this, but my husband and I’s connection is so much deeper than the way either of us look. I plan to be with him for a long, long time, that’s why I married him. And the truth is, to the mainstream collective consciousness, you can only be pretty for so long.
One way or another old age, sickness and feebleness are coming for you. And the earlier you can start to see and appreciate the beauty in the depth of your eyes, the imperfect dimples in your thighs, the uniqueness of your fingers, the crookedness of your toes, and all the things that make you, you, and no one else, the sooner you’ll feel at home in your own body, and there is nothing more life-giving than that.
Being fat doesn’t take away your ability to feel, want, and need pleasure and connection.
The amount of fat on someone’s physical body body has nothing to do with what gets a cock hard or a pussy wet. I am 1000% sure of this. If you drop down five layers, you Know this too, before you read any of what I just wrote. You’ve felt it before.
Real, juicy, adult, sexual attraction, turn on, connection, and pleasure comes from being present in our body. That’s it. Being willing to be present with what is and turn toward it, hungry for more.
Real, adult, connected sex is a spiritual communion. It is, quite literally, the most intimate act two adults can engage in. I have had far better sex in my fat body than I ever had in my hot body because I’ve expanded my ability to hold sensation while in this fat body.
My relationship with my husband was at some of it’s most difficult and disconnected points when I was my skinniest. Attempting to contain my life force, hating my body, and trying to punish myself into acceptable behavior and body was not in any way shape or form working for me on an internal level.
I was scarce. I was tight. I was closed. I would emasculate my husband. Which would result in both of us starving for love and connection.
This is not to say that there is any correlation between a fulfilled relationship and the size of a woman’s body, it’s just to say, the size of a woman’s body is not related in the slightest to how thriving her romantic relationships are. Her willingness to feel is.
What determines a thriving relationship is how open each partner is to each other, how deep they can go together, how much they can choose to connect instead of close down and wall off. You can only truly connect with another person if you are grounded, resourced, and full, energetically. Which, again, has nothing to do with body size.
In my hot body most of my sex was a performance, for myself and/or for my partner. It was all about how I looked and how I sounded, what I could get my pussy to do for me or for my partner. It doesn’t mean that sometimes it wasn’t hot and sexy in some ways, but it was mostly mental and disembodied. Kind of like porn.
I always felt somewhat empty afterwards. I always had the sneaking suspicion that I was the object and not the subject of the sexual encounter. And this was me, putting myself in the position of object, not, necessarily, the men I was having sex with.
Most of the misogyny out in the world today is perpetuated by women.
This woman who came into my inbox talking about my husband is a perfect example. She came into my inbox shaming me about my body, my teachings around the love of feminine cycles (like free bleeding), telling me my husband must be a “saint or a fool” to “put up with” a fat, outspoken, “un-lady-like” wife. It is truly text book misogyny. All coming from a woman and mother to another woman and mother.
My husband loves me. He is in service to our family, my opening, and Her, willingly and by his, very aware, choice. My body not only turns him on, gets his cock hard, but it feeds his Soul. And this is all because I am a fed and full woman who takes her own internal guidance and feelings seriously. He is responding to my clarity of reverence for the feminine in myself, others and the world.
He has zero misogyny in his body because I have zero misogyny in mine.
When I get scarce, depleted and closed, I am squeezing off the flow of life force to myself and, therefore, him. My scarcity, depletion, and closure is then also reflected in him and my family.
I take this very seriously. In fact, my opening is always my main focus. It is not selfish, it is actually the most responsible pose.
To care for myself, deeply and completely.
To make sure that I am generous and flowing. I don’t always get this perfect, but it is always the intention that I return to.
Believing the story of the collective mainstream consciousness would cut me off from my juice. It would create shame, tightness, rejection, and a clamping down on my energy. It would put not only me at risk of shrinking, but also my husband and my family.
I choose not to.
I choose to come back to my body every time I feel the slither of shame try to sneak in.
I choose say, “No. Not today. I am here. This is my body. You may not take up residence here. I am not available. You cannot shame me. I am un-shameable.” Not just for me, but for my lineage; for my legacy.
This is what it means to firmly stand in the future we would like to see. To, quite literally, be the change we wish to see in the world.
We mothers and women are creators. When we are tapped into and turned on to our sexual and creative life force, we are tapped into the creative force of the cosmos.
Life is happening through us. Life comes through us. It is so important that we understand the impact of our choices and take responsibility, especially when it comes to how we think of and treat ourselves because this is the seed for everything else our lives.
Come get intimate and reverent with your body at HOME BODY | A ceremony for honoring your body as your home. June 3rd. 9-11am PST. $44. Sign up here.
Fat Woman Sex, Misogyny and Responsibility