My Journey to Pussy

It has been 4 and a half years since I started touching my pussy as a spiritual practice.

(notice if this statement or the title of this makes you uncomfortable, queasy, uneasy, or even kind of grossed out. Don’t worry. I’ve been there, but keep reading beause those reactions to our own bodies are definitely an asepct of Feminie repression and demoization.)

I have been forever changed. 

I have been actively involved in, and I think I can safely say centering my life around, spiritual and energetic practice for over 12 years.

And even before that I was always seeking something. 

I was not raised religious or with any sort of programming around god or spiritual rules. I wouldn’t say my parents believe in god exactly, yet they do think about god. They are open to things like meditation, Buddhism, and spiritual philosophies, so I was open to and exposed to these things from a young age. 

In my adolescence I bought a book of Rumi poetry and I poured over the poems, my mind not understanding any of it, but my Soul not able to stop feverishly reading them over and over. I was starving for what they made me feel.

As I grew older I searched for god in drugs, sex, feral experiences, shocking behavior, nature, and generally being rebellious against anything that was the status quo. 

I pursued my wildness like my life depended on it. There were years where my pursuit of god was like a danger seeking destructor. I was playing chicken with life, daring it to take me out. 

I hurt plenty of people, myself included. I was bad news bears.

Through it all was a pursuit for a life beyond the monotonous every day linear path I felt was expected of me or was all that was really available. 

I knew there had to be more, but I didn’t see it anywhere so I just kept saying yes to whatever weird opportunity presented itself.

Around the age of 23 I hit a wall. I had one of those moments where I saw the fork in the road and I saw the timeline that I was on was full of despair, addiction and unhappiness.

I made a decision to take the other path, but had no idea where to start, but in hindsight there was a clear shift in who was driving my life. 

The wild destructor was retired and something else came online. A more mature aspect of self. 

I found my first mentor, Coly Vulpiani, around this time as part of my choice of the new path was to get some help. I was searching for someone who wasn’t a therapist exactly and wasn’t a spiritual guru but was somewhere in between those two. 

I remeber having a particular breakthrough during a session in his office where some shell broke open and I could actually feel love and receive from my life (now I know this to be what it feels like to energetically open).

It had felt like I woke up from a terrible dream, and I was just crying saying, “I don’t ever want to lose this! I can’t go back to sleep.”

Something came online through my work with Coly and that something is this aspect of self I call, my Woman.  

This is the adult part of me that has the capacity to hold the wounded and young parts of myself. This was just the very beginning of a slow and deep awakening and healing. 

Around the time I got pregnant for the first time, I found my current teacher Perri Chase. 

I had a business doing nutrition consulting and was very aware of how unsustainable the way I worked on and in my business was going to be once I had a child. Let’s just say I was working for business, my business wasn’t working for me. I had no modeling of how to be an entrepreneur and also prioritize family. I had no modeling of business ownership that wasn’t just “hustle and grind, no rest for the wicked” vibes.

I was searching for some way to continue to run and build a business AND have a family. 

Perri Chase had a workshop running called Business Boundaries. And I was like, “That’s what I need! Some business boundaries!” 

I attended her workshop and similarly to when I bought the Rumi book as a 12 year old, I didn’t understand most of what she was saying but something felt really on and true. I signed up for her Magic Led Business Facebook group. 

Before this I had a deep and very personal connection to god. This was before Instagram and the rampant spiritual materialism we see now in this space, so I feel like I had a true and deep connection and grip on practices like inner child work and reparenting. I meditated. I had had many mystical experiences. My heart was open.

However, my mind was still incessantly loud and I still had this idea that I could have this quiet and deep spiritual connection, but when it came to “real” life I just had to do what I had to do. There was still a lot of compartmentalization of my spiritual self, even though my spirituality was very much true.

There was zero connection between sex and spirituality. At this point I don’t think I had ever had sober sex where I was oriented to my pleasure, even though I had had lots of sex and was married. 

What Perri’s work started to do was give me a path to a life where “the spiritual” and “real life” were actually not separate.

Her group Magic Led Business was literally teaching you how to take spiritual principles like service and frequency and apply them to your business in a totally non egoic, non grippy way. 

I was so confused. 

I tried to make the Magic Led Business work but I felt so fundamentally mind fucked that when I saw she had more of a personal practice program called Fire and Flow (now called Devotion) I messaged her and said, “I think I need to do Fire and Flow before I can understand Magic Led Business,” and so I moved into this container which was all about energetic mastery based in masculine and feminine principles.

As I did the work in that container I had some real breakthroughs and awakenings. But I kept getting stuck in these mental thought loops, doubts and compartmentalization. I could see it, but it didn’t feel like I could do anything about it.

Eventually, Perri told me I needed to “heat my system up.” I asked her how I would go about doing that, she said things like saunas and hot yoga can help, but that sexual practice is really what works. She suggested I do Orgasmic Meditation (OM) with my husband.

I had no idea what that was so I googled it and found out it is a partnered practice where the man strokes the woman’s clit in a particular way for 20 minutes. It’s not necessarily about reaching an orgasm but that could happen.

I rolled my eyes a little bit. To me at that point in my life, sex was fine, it was fun, but that was kind of it. All the sex I had had at that point was largely under the influence of drugs or alcohol and if it wasn’t, it didn’t seem that great; more just kind of awkward and then a nice release. I could take it or leave it.

My relationship to my pussy was basically one of use. The idea of having someone stroke my pussy, even my husband, without the point being to orgasm just sounded weird and pointless. 

But this seeking part of me was always down to try something once and I could feel there was something really big for me here.

However, before Sean and I could try “OM-ing” Perri held her first SXBMB practice class. 

SXBMB is from the lineage of OM and centered around the same principles, but SXBMB is a solo practice, where you stroke your own clit while you are guided into different strokes, pressures, and speeds with music. The goal is not orgasm or even necessarily pleasure.

The practice of SXBMB is just to be present with the sensation or lack of sensation as you stroke. To watch your mind and see where it takes you when you intend to bring your awareness to your pussy and clit. 

Similar to basic mediation, you are simply watching your mind and coming back to the present moment, but with a whole other level of stroking your clit at the same time.

There are lots of other pieces to this practice, moving energy, alchemizing shame, unworthiness, trauma, seeing what your mind judges about the sensation or the practice itself. 

I’ve had an almost daily SXBMB practice since that first class.

I was at this fertile point in my spiritual journey with the feminine that I had really stated to identify the difference between my mind and my Gnowing, but before SXBMB I was just stuck in the same patterns again and again. I spent so much energy circling in my mind and trying to figure everything out.

It’s a very frustrating place when you can see what you’re doing and what your patterns are but you somehow cannot step out of them. You “get it” in your conscious mind but you just can’t seem to embody the change. 

But in that first practice, very newly postpartum, and creating a whole new relationship with myself and my pussy; I felt the zing of Truth through my whole body. 

Before becoming a mother my pussy had just been about sex, and even sadder; it mostly just been for male pleasure. I got pleasure from penetrative sex, luckily as I know plenty of women who don’t, but mostly just as the side effect. The focus was the male experience. (I wrote more about this here). 

This is why I’ve come to believe a solo non pleasure focused pussy practice, like SXBMB, is a necessary part of a true embodiment journey.

We must touch and revere our pussies to truly descend. Other practices are about ascension, but my personal journey into my power has been a descent, into the depth of the cosmic womb, the mystery; the place before time and space. 

SXBMB creates enough heat and fire in the system that the walls, compartments, and loops start to loosen, melt, and coalesce together and the programming of the collective just stops working the way it did. 

It removes the mind. It takes the shackles off and returns us to our bodies, as divine and as portals.

When your pussy is on, and she gets turned on through sustained, nonjudgmental attention from you or someone else, your mind just doesn’t have the power it has when your pussy is off. 

Pussy is the literal and metaphysical portal between worlds.

This is why birth can also be such an embodying and awakening experience, because birth and pussy are the same. This is why mothers just know what is best for their babies. Your Knowing comes from your pussy. 

Feminine power, which is not a hierarchical power or a dominating power but a power of Being and is ness, comes from you being connected to your turned on pussy and the channel that runs up into your heart.

Pussy is not about pleasure. Pussy is power. So practices that just focus on pleasure are not actually what I’m talking about. 

Pleasure is wonderful. Pleasure is great. We all deserve pleasure. But pleasure is not the only thing pussy is for. That is extractive and actually not true. The truth is, sometimes life hurts, we need to learn to be with that too.

To come into our bodies fully we need time be with more than just pleasure, we need to be with pain too, we need to be with discomfort and awkwardness. We need to be with whatever arises. 

Pussy will show you. And the more you pour attention, love, and acceptance onto her the more integrated you become. 

The more you integrate and clear the channel between your pussy and your heart the wider your nervous system will stretch and the more you’ll be able to hold. 

Spiritual practice without pussy is about transcendence and mental ideas. You get stuck in the mental game of it all; trying to understand. 

Embodiment practices like dance and somatic release are wonderful and necessary too but the heat of sexual practice is something that can make even the most ingrained of mental patterns be like puddy in the hands of the Great Cosmic Mother. 

Pussy connects us to that which came before our minds.

This is what our wild and crazy world needs more than ever right now, women connected to their pussies and hearts. 

When a woman is connected to this power within herself she will know her worth, she will know her No and her Yes. 

She will simply Know. 

And once you have this, it can never be taken away from you, and this true freedom.

I get messages and notes from readers, community members, and friends alike that tell me they are inspired by the way I hold softness and power at the same time. People tell me they can feel how grounded I am daily. (Some people are also very triggered and activated by me.. this is part of claiming your power, but honestly it’s so much more of the positive.)

I am grateful for all of these reflections, but ultimately they are not really about me; they are about people seeing Her through me because of the capacity I’ve cultivated in myself through my pussy and my heart and my body.

I hold, in my very embodiment, a lot of life force, and it’s because I touch my pussy and my tissues with reverence and awe and curiosity and openness. It’s something that every single woman could do and hold and be, in different flavors.

It is because I know I am sacred and connected to the sacred, in my very body, no compartments needed. I get to embody all of me.

I am writing this because it’s true to write and I’m also writing it to let you all know that Perri is teaching some free masterclasses on Pussy, Herself, and if you’re ready to dip a toe or jump right in, this is your time and place to begin.

You can sign up and get the replays if you can’t come live, just put my name in the referral box when you register:

September 12th, 11am PT: Disconnection from the Sacred Leads to Disconnection from Self

September 20th, 12 PT: Getting to Know Her: Workshopping Our Relationship with Pussy

September 23, 11 PT: Pussy as a Map of the Universe; How She Guides Us Home