We have been programmed to believe that our bodies are not to be trusted.
We collectively believe our bodies are fickle, prone to break and get sick, full of unruly needs for food, rest, and sex. We collectively believe we need to default to someone else to tell us what is wrong with us and what we should do about it.
If we are constantly exhausted it couldn’t possibly be as simple as we need rest.
If we are constantly craving sugar it couldn’t possibly mean that we aren’t getting enough calories and our body is craving a quick shot of energy.
One of the things I ask all my clients is: what does your body need to heal?
In my experience, if we really tap in and move underneath the mental ideas of what it means to be “healthy” everyone knows what they need to heal.
They’re just looking for some short cut or work around so they can avoid the subtle, baby-step, no-silver-bullets, lifestyle altering work that is actually required and they know is required.
So they get another supplement they read about on Instagram. They go to another practitioner who tells them they just need this diet or this cleanse. They go to the doctor expecting to get some explanation that isn’t as inconvenient as what they already know to be true.
In my health journey, as a teenager and young adult; I had the self loathing trifecta of: disordered eating, substance abuse, and obsessive exercising/body abuse.
Then as I got a little more health conscious and grew up; I got digestive issues, thyroid, and adrenal burnout. I healed a bit via diet, learning about my physiology and implementing lifestyle changes.
Then I had babies (two in two years) and gained around 80 lbs give or take and developed severe insomnia.
Through all of this I can track a desperation to find “the answer” that would explain and fix my “conditions.”
At first, it was all about controlling my body and its needs so that I didn’t have feel anything.
When that got entirely too painful, then it was about reaching some epitome of health which also had to do with external ideals and aesthetics and superiority.
This third phase of health issues (weight gain and insomnia) has been an oscillation between some desperation to feel “normal” (whatever that is) and trusting my body’s path.
The thing that reverberates truth through my Life is: when I orient to my body as my greatest ally, I am less tempted by reactionary grasping to quick fixes, overriding my Knowing, and desperation for some external ideal of health.
When I orient to my body as my greatest ally I remember my innate value, as I am in the present moment.
To stay with the innate value of a body that falls so far out of the ideal aesthetic and consistently, lovingly feed, care for, and listen to it is truly a revolutionary act in our collective society.
Some days I honestly don’t know where I’ve gotten the fortitude to stand so solidly against the narrative that fat bodies do not deserve the love and attention that thin bodies do.
A huge part of it is I simply know my body is on my side. I know she is my ally. I know she would never have gained this weight or screamed at me via the inability to sleep if she didn’t need that experience in some way, if there wasn’t a massive amount of wisdom within the experience for me.
I know I have to listen, and you cannot listen if you are deep in judgment.
I know feeding her well is never going to not serve her.
Some days I definitely feel at a total loss as to why this excess fat hasn’t dissolved, but I trust that if I continue to care for myself with the utmost reverence that my body will regulate to the size she feels best at. And maybe that will be this size. I have to be ok with that too, although I don’t believe that to be the case for me.
As a woman who comes from a line of women very much plugged into the collective ideas that being fat is shameful, bad, disgusting, and entirely the last thing you would ever want to be, I can see that I may have gained the weight that my mother and her mother couldn’t let themselves gain but needed to. It’s representative of all the ways they didn’t let themselves take up the space they needed to.
I will allow myself to take up the space I need to with zero shame so my girls don’t have to worry about the space they take up.
I also know that our bodies are our karma. They are the very last aspect of our being to transform. They are the result of our decisions 10 or 20 years, maybe lifetimes, ago. Our bodies are our subconscious.
The level of rigidity and control required to hold a body in a shape and size that isn’t true is insane. Literally like working against the flow of a huge rushing river. No wonder women are so badly depleted. We are all imbued with the idea that we must fight against our bodies.
Our bodies want to be healthy. They want to be robust and dynamic and morph and shift with the phases of our lives. They want to be our ally.
Acquiescing to our body’s needs with reverence may result in a change in body composition because there has been so much contortion in the past. She must come out of all twists and self inflicted girdles, but if you keep listening, treating Her with reverence and have a deep respect and trust for Her guidance you will not be led astray.
I know my health journey and body story continues to be permission for so many others who also feel on shaky ground about what their bodies deserve.
Our bodies deserve our continued gentleness, nourishment, devotion, trust and deep love. They are our greatest ally. No matter where we go in this life; they go with us. They are our home.
You can punish, starve, injure, bend, and deform them and they will not leave you. Like a sweet loyal dog the soft animal of our body will stay even if you beat it. It will cower. It may not be ok. But it will stay. An example of unconditional love if I’ve ever seen one. No matter where you go, there she is; with you. You can’t say that about any other human.
If you want to feel safe, loved, and cared for: care for your body. If you can feel safe with her you will feel safe in all places because she is there with you.
Start to attune to your body by coming to HomeBody practice. In HomeBody we offer our bodies loving self touch and neutral appreciative attention. Next HomeBody is Wednesday February 21st at 10am PST. Send me a message to sign up.
If you are ready to spend 4 days connecting to your body and fully, totally meeting her needs SAVOR is for you. March 19-22. Sage Lodge in Pray, MT. Message me to discuss details.
Our Body is Our Greatest Ally