This piece has been percolating for a long time.
I’ve been in active, conscious, non extractive participation with my creative process long enough that I know better than to rush something that is percolating and gestating.
But I’ve been watching this one take form.
When something wants to be created through me it starts to circle me. I’ll be shown other pieces of writing, conversations with friends, posts on social media etc that inspire and awaken the thing in my own experience.
One thing that spurred to me to get to work on this piece was I saw a very well known influencer and teacher in the world of sexual health post pictures of her emaciated looking body saying she feels amazing at 10% body fat.
“Is this what people think is sexy?” I thought to myself.
Women need at least 13% body fat to bleed and need closer to 20% to be fertile.
This complete disregard for the truths of female biological health is just so tired and old. Women are meant to be juicy.
That doesn’t meant you can’t be very healthfully slim.
But it does mean eating enough for a grown ass woman, eating properly raised animal products, and having enough muscle mass to be able to painlessly get around in the world.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, Amber Magnolia Hill’s most recent substack, ‘Children v society’s views on their mother’s bodies’ struck this thing that I know deep down in my bones that our bodies, no matter their fat percentage are glorious and the perfect haven for the people who love us.
I also had a conversation with Dr. Suuzie Hazen where we spoke about the Chinese medicine concept that each time a woman gives birth she gives away most of her life force and therefore, she is eventually made anew postpartum.
There is a new physical density that comes with motherhood. There is a coming into the body that just isn’t there before you have children.
It doesn’t mean that you are necessarily bigger but there is a presence, a thickening and rooting that’s there post giving birth and nurturing a child that wasn’t there before.
On a shallow level a lot of women think about their less perky breasts or wider hips post birth and think of this coming into their bodies more as a bad thing, when really it’s just a maturation of the body.
A maturation as perfectly natural (and as awkward and uncomfortable sometimes) as going through puberty.
Another ping related to this topic: I was at a mother-centric retreat with my friend and incredible yoga teacher, Jessica Cartwright, and I’m remembering a short conversation about mothers’ bodies we had as well.
We were both admiring the beauty of a body that has been used for its purpose.
This is generally thought of as a bad, demeaning, and shameful thing too; to be “used up.”
However, I believe there is something deeply magnetic about a mother’s body. A body that has served a deep, primal and spiritual purpose.
On a biological level our bodies are made to reproduce. A woman’s body is made to create, carry, birth, and nurture her children.
This doesn’t have to be enjoyable every single step of the way, but it should be deeply fulfilling.
I believe that our collective beliefs about what constitutes beauty, “health”, sex appeal and its value, and the ways we place virtue on youngness only, as a society make the transition from maiden to mother much more of a struggle than it needs to be.
There is also this idea that men prefer young women and that once a woman has had children she is somehow not sexy. My experience has been quite the opposite. My husband far prefers my mother’s body as far as I can tell.
There is this idea that men primally want to procreate with multiple women, and I just don’t think this is necessarily true.
Men in committed monogamous relationships not only have more sex than single men, but also live longer and experience more joy in their lives. They are ultimately more satisfied with their lives on the whole and the legacy they’re leaving behind.
Men love to have something outside of themselves to serve. They think mothers are hella sexy and mothers are hella sexy. And all this BS about men wanting only young women is something you simply don’t have to experience or choose to play in to if you want to have a committed and deep partnership with a man.
These are caricatures of men and it’s insulting to perpetuate the stereotype of the “womanizer” man because men deserve better. We all deserve better.
Men are also just trying to find a way to feel loved and belong, just like most women. We all need to grow up, parent ourselves, and then we can all start building a life that our awake adult selves are proud of.
However, it is not secret that the collective doesn’t exactly value the work of mothering. [read this article I wrote in this]
We love the prospect and romance of pregnancy. We love a young beautiful woman getting pregnant for the first time.
But once that fresh faced young woman has had a child and gets pregnant again and again and has little inconvenient, messy, loud humans in tow, she becomes uncouth. If that pregnant woman is older than 35, a “geriatric” pregnancy, that’s even worse.
Once that woman has children that won’t sit still or quiet down, or her unruly body doesn’t acquiesce to tight jeans and crop tops or form fitting dresses and high heels, we deem her frumpy or plain and write her off as unwelcome or inconsequential.
Just another basic tired ass mom with a messy bun and sweat pants.
Nothing to see here.
In fact, side long glances and tight lipped fake smiles that say “get your shit together,” are all she gets.
If you do happen to be a woman who “bounced right back” after having kids, or you are one of those mothers who manages to look incredibly elegant at school drop off and running errands, I imagine (because this is not me) that you still feel the profound sense of transformation that’s happened within you.
And when people don’t see or act as if your entire world has shattered and been remade it’s got to make you feel a little lost and empty inside.
To not have a world that reflects back to us mamas the profundity of our internal experience is a recipe for feeling alone, isolated, and incredibly tender.
This can then turn into rage, depression, apathy, bitterness, and anxiety.
Humans need reflection and witnessing in the process of transformation.
We need to have our own internal experience acknowledged and mirrored or else we feel adrift, which in turn makes us feel scared and go into survival mode, and puts our mind into an uncreative state.
My work is really about bringing women and mothers back into a creation orientation.
I want mothers to see themselves as the creators of their lives and families. This requires them to go through that epic transformation from maiden to mother in a way that leaves them in deep approval of their own transformational process.
That includes being in approval of the body and its changes.
I see so many women that are deeply spiritual, smart, talented, creative, and capable letting the shape or size of their bodies somehow determine their self worth.
Or believing that because of their size they aren’t deserving of pleasure, feeling safe in their body, feeling sexy in their body, or feeling like they are not beautiful.
This is insane.
The idea that there is ONE kind of beauty or one type of cheek bones, lips, eye shape, body shape that is the most beautiful and all the others are inferior is not your belief.
This is a belief that has been programmed into you.
Ask yourself: Do you, in your own self, actually believe that wrinkles are not beautiful?
I’ve been asking myself this question with ideas of beauty I notice myself holding. And when I go really deep into the Truth of my being, I’m realizing that I actually don’t believe these standards.
Collectively there is a belief about what is most beautiful, yes, and the collective ideal of beauty has changed significantly through the years.
But what do you think is beautiful?
What do you find intriguing, mesmerizing, magnetic really, deep down?
I see when I ask myself this it’s the uniqueness in people I find most alluring.
As I’ve uncovered these programmed beliefs about what beauty is in myself I’ve been more able to access that which is truly my own experience of beauty, and it is everywhere.
I used to see humans through the lens of collective programming. I was harsh, critical, and unforgiving when it came to appearances. Mostly on myself, but with others too.
I find the harsher we judge others the harsher we judge ourselves. The less we judge ourselves, the less we judge others.
But now I look at humans around me and mostly I see fascinating beauty. I am blown away by the gorgeousness of human beings.
The intricacies and uniqueness of each face, like different sunsets or landscapes, impossible to say which was more or less beautiful, but all beautiful in their own way.
I look at bodies and I might see a body that is fighting against gravity, or a body that looks like it is lacking energy or vitality, but it’s never ugly or disgusting.
It’s a marvelous, miraculous, breathtaking body.
For me; it’s the bodies of mothers that are especially awe-inspiring and beautiful.
The presence of them.
The softness.
The skin that’s been stretched or wrinkled by laughs and tears.
The muscles that have held a whole world for countless hours.
The eyes that are tired but filled with purpose.
The souls that would do anything to make the lives of their children safer and more enriching.
Embodiment is the word that really comes to mind here. The more embodied, the more light that emanates from the very skin of a person.
That’s what I see when I really ask myself what I believe is beautiful.
Humanity that’s brought more and more of the light into its body is beautiful.
I want you to look in the mirror, into your own eyes, see what you have been through. The awful things you’ve done in the name of belonging and getting love. The courageous being you are to be on the Earth at this time. The ways that you’ve loved and lost. The lessons you’ve learned.
I want you to look into your eyes and see yourself for the holder of the light that you are.
Now tell me you’re not beautiful, as you are.
I hope that you cannot, because I know that I could not.
Chasing some external ideal of beauty will never be it. Because you are you. You are on your path. It is yours and no one else’s.
The way you look is for you; it is through yourself that you will be awakened into the light of love.
You are perfect. You have always been perfect. Whole and beautifully human.
I see the obsession with changing and enhancing our looks as a diverging away from this perfection as wholeness I am transmitting here.
We cannot accept only certain aspects of ourselves and be integrated.
We cannot really step into the next level of human evolution and be cutting into our sacred flesh to soothe our egos.
It feels so entirely obvious to me that collective beauty standards around remaining forever youthful are not rooted in a world where the mature feminine is valued.
Beauty standards that tell us our bodies and faces should not change from the time we are prepubescent teens are not based in a reality where women can love themselves and mature women are revered.
If we want a world where mothers and older women are valued, we need to start standing solidly in the camp of loving ourselves as we are.
This does not mean not taking impeccable care our bodies.
I spend so much time feeding myself, moving my body in ways that are respectful to her, caring for my skin, my hair, my muscles, my movement, my eyes and on and on.
That’s one of the things that is so obviously backward to me.
We are encouraged to slice our tissue, prick our faces, wax our vulvas, all things that hurt in the moment and have serious negative long term consequences as a forms of “self care.”
We are encouraged to paint toxins on our nail beds, slather chemicals all over our bodies, dye our hair, all of these which have known negative health effects, as a form of “having some me time!”
But when we want to take the time to make our own scalp spray or spend time each night doing face yoga we are crunchy and hippie.
Ok. I am calling out this collective programming and saying: No. No, I want no part of it.
Will I never wear make up or paint my nails? When I do I’ll do it for me. No one else. I will be it for the joy of adornment and the enhancement of my own unique expression of self.
I will never cut my body’s tissue, prick myself, or harm myself unless it is for life saving reasons.
Wake up to who and what is creating your negative self image.
It’s not you. It’s never been you who believes you are ugly or unworthy.
If you have the privilege of being around a toddler in your daily life you know this.
Toddlers love themselves and their bodies so innocently and genuinely.
It’s the most disarmingly delightful thing to see a toddler take joy in their new clothes or hair do or their completely chocolate covered face.
They don’t give a fuck and they love themselves deeply. They are masters at self expression without anything held back.
We all were like that and we can be that way again (just with a little more myelination and impulse control, hopefully).
Express yourself; dress yourself in loud and crazy colors, wear red lipstick every day, buy sequined shoes, whatever makes you feel more you.
Take impeccable care of yourself; feed yourself the highest quality food you can get, touch yourself lovingly, massage your skin with oils, look into your eyes and see your effervescent sparkling beautiful essence staring back at you.
You are a miraculous body.
You are a wonderfully messy human.
You are beautiful.
My Offerings Right Now:
VILLAGE | A Family Embodiment Retreat - September 27-30, Homestake Lodge in Butte, MT. Get all information here.
HomeBody Practice, Saturday, July 6th. 8-9:30am PST. Come home to your body. Get more information or register here.
Deep Nutrition 1:1 Work- work with me 1:1 on all things physical, mental, emotional and spiritual body health. Get more info or book a connection call with me here.
Bodies, Beauty, and Choosing the Human Mess